How it felt to love each other
by KirstenSmee
Summary: They knew they shouldn't be doing this. But then there were lonely nights like this when they just didn't care. ThunderBlink modern AU


"Hey.." Clarice trailed off once John answered the phone.

"Hey.." he answered in just as pained of a tone.

"I know we decided not to do this anymore. You're with Sonya now and the baby.. but I just.. I can't.. do I ever cross your mind?" Clarice spoke into the phone. Her thoughts and words running wild. To be fair she was almost halfway done with a whiskey bottle, and still hurting from her breakup with John.

There was silence on the other end, and for a moment, Clarice thought that John had hung up on her but then she heard him exhale loudly.

"All the time.." John replied.

They had been dating for about a year and John was thinking of asking Clarice to move in with him. But then they had a huge fight. In retrospect, it probably was about something stupid and insignificant. Yet they still broke up. John went to drown his sorrows at a bar and ended up in another woman's bed. Sonya's. Fast forward a few months and now Sonya is pregnant with his child.

Not knowing what else to do and wanting to give his child a chance at a real family, something he never really had, John asked Sonya to marry him. But he still couldn't stop loving Clarice, because, by the time Sonya tracked John down and told him about the baby, John and Clarice had slowly started to build their relationship back up. Even despite John sleeping with Sonya. But then the pregnancy bomb dropped and any chance they had together shattered.

Right after it, in a few moments of weakness, John had still ended up spending the night at Clarice's. Yet after John proposed to Sonya, they decided to stop. Sonya didn't deserve it. Neither did John's unborn child. And besides Clarice didn't want to be the other women.

But then there were nights like this. Lonely nights when they both just didn't care that they shouldn't be doing this. Even if it was just a phone conversation. Because it felt like more than that.

"I don't know how I can do without you, John. I.. I need you. God, how did we end up here?" Clarice spoke again taking another large gulp from the whiskey bottle.

John couldn't stand hearing Clarice talk like that. He could clearly hear the pain in her voice. And he almost got up and went to her.

But, Sonya was sleeping in the next room, and he couldn't do that to his child. So he stayed put.

"I know I messed up. I wish I hadn't gone to the bar that night. I wish we hadn't fought. I wish I was marrying you.." John tried to explain himself to Clarice. He wanted to ease her pain. And his own. However, it seemed that with every word he only made it worse.

"..but you have to be with Sonya. I know." Clarice finished the sentence for John "I guess I rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I rather have loved you than not know how it felt to love you." She admitted. And it broke John's heart.

"I.. I.. " he tried to say something. Anything. But no word came out of his mouth. Only a jumbled mess in his mind that he had no idea how to express.

"Have a good life with Sonya and the baby. Be happy, John." Clarice interrupted his stammering. It sounded like she was saying goodbye. And it scared John.

"Clarice, wait.." John tried but he heard her murmur a quick goodbye and hang up. And for the first time since he met Clarice, John felt truly alone. Sitting on the living room couch in the middle of the night. Starring at his silent phone.

Eventually, John went back to bed. And moved on with his life. So did Clarice. John welcomed a beautiful baby girl Norah and had a lavish wedding. Clarice met someone, too. Yet when they both attended a mutual friend's wedding and their eyes met across the room, for a brief second they both imagined what would their lives had been like if that fatal fight never happened. But then Sonya asked something to John, he took his eyes off of Clarice, and the spell was broken. They moved on with their lives once again. But always remembered how it felt to love each other.

* * *

 **A/N:** The story idea came to me while listening to Lady Antebellum's song "Need You Now". So if you see some parallels, that's why. Also, I completely adore TunderBlink and want them to be together, however, when the idea of this fic came to me, I just kind of ran with it, so, sorry for the angsty, break-up ThunderBlink.

Anyway, hope you liked this short oneshot. Reviews are always welcome!

~KS


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